On my mind

sorry I haven't posted in a while.... I started a new account, america220. I can't do that fancy thing with the link. But anyway....

Parker is so sweet. Last night he asked me "What did we used to talk about before we started going out?"
I said "Anything and everything."

So we talked about salad for a good twenty minutes. 0_o  and he woke me  up this morning and made me luch. XD

...and maybe we can share the same dreams.  Let's sing a song for those who don't know... who couldn't imagine the ecstacy of such emotions like these. Let's share together the thoughts nobody can hear in this still silhouetted night. With the smoke curling, liquid snarling in our veins, soon we'll be gone from the clouds, deep in reality once again.

But let's not think of that now and waste our precious minutes...

Tickle me pink. The kitten I called Samuel but we called Kitty. Karate. Church. Baptism. The white candle. Yahtzee. Chatting online. Mom's pain. The hospital. The final call that one night. Candy. John. Dee dee. D. Sherry, Iguana. Windy and Gerald. Las Vegas. Parker.


A lot of memories. A lot of time on my hands. A lot of writing to do.


Let's see how this goes.

My hands have ardine oil on them. Our shower isn't working until tomorrow sometime after the plumber comes. The bathroom down the hall still smells of rotting something...

But I'm here in my room, feeling semi okay. My mind is going nostalgic, so I might as well experiment with an idea I've been tossing around in my head for a while. I've got it started. Now I need to dig up memories and put them in their place. Maybe after this is finished I can make more sense of things... Who knows?

Wish me luck.

Finally, winter break. I'm so glad.  Thinking about working on that story. I might as well. Or read my current romance book. I don't know. What I feel like doing most though is digging up memories. Getting lost in music and the past and letting it all out for a while.

I opened up my story, took one LONG look at it, and didn't write one damn word. I am not inspired today. My mind is sluggish. I'm sorry expectant readers, I've got a lot of other stuff going on in my head right now. I don't know how long it'll be before I post my next part. Especially with the holidays coming up.

Clouds are coming. I hope it snows tonight at least.

I'm drawing randomly right now, and it soothes me. Just doodling gothic stuff because I'm in that kind of mood.

An hour ago he said "The movie's almost over. I'll call you when it's over."   I just called. He's not home. Why are guys so forgetful???

I've never had a snow day before. Of course, I don't think anyone my age living here has. IT's odd. I don't have to take that chemistry test or deal with Mr. Pirillo. I should be happy.

Why did I almost cry last night when Parker told me what the new said?

Probably because he has all the snow and we have water on the ground. Nothing is falling. It all melted. The whole one-forth of an inch.



At least my cat is staying with me though. That's good.



I'm going to work on my story. That's my main focus today. My life is getting better, I guess. It wasn't that bad, but if I had kept going the way I was it would of. I made a few friends, and I'll be able to get to know them better since I have my cell phone now. I know someone who lives Semi near me! I can just call him up and ask him to meet me at the bus stop, then go get some starbucks with him or something.

If I had money, or the guts to go out in the cold. It's not worth it, with there not being no snow and all.

I just woke up with the phone ringing next to my ear. I ignored it. They called again, then another number called five minutes after that. Yeah, I'm not in a good mood. The way my day starts usually determines how my whole day is going to be. But if I listen to some loud music and just don't think about anything too serious, then it will be better. I know how to manage this mood. I'm good. I can't go out and buy a rockstar and get even more depressed afterwards, so I'm not that bad off. I'm gonna stay in my room and manage this difficult, gloomy bitchy mood by myself. I need to discipline myself more.

The music is blaring in my ears now. The world is gone. I need to work on my story now.

"What?!" my mom exclaimed, putting a hand on her chest. "He did what to you?!"
    "Yeah. I can even show you the bruises," I said to her, but didn't move to do so. She didn't need to see something like that. How could she be so surprised when she knew he drank almost all the time he was at our house?
    "Is he home, miss?" Trevor's dad asked. I had learned as soon as he got home that he was a cop. That had surprised me a bit.
    Mom shook her head, her eyes growing. "I haven't seen him since I came home, about two hours ago."
    I looked at the clock. It was eight. I had gone over to Trevor's house around four. Where had he gone?
    Trevor's dad pulled out a small notebook and a pen. He clicked the pen and looked at my mom for a second. "Could you tell me his name, please?"
    "Robert Wood," she told him, rubbing her arms. "Are you going to arrest him?"
    "Of course I am. He had no right for beating this child," he told her, his voice almost angry. Then he looked at his notebook again. "Is there any other information I should know?" he asked.
    While Mr. Allen, Trevor's dad, interrogated my mom, I got up and walked into our kitchen. There I found Trevor staring at the pictures on our fridge. He noticed me and smiled.
    "You were adorable back then." he said, pointing at a picture of me on a swing. I stared at the picture, not in the mood for small talk. Really not in the mood to talk at all. I opened the fridge and pulled out a cool bottle of water.
    Sitting on the counter, Trevor watched me as I took a drink. I stared right back into his blue eyes, wondering what made me so interesting. The fact that he knew a little more about my life? I felt uncomfortable now, with him watching me like a lion hunting.
    Finally I broke the silence. "What?"
    "You are one interesting girl," he said slowly. Thinking it through. I know more about you than you know about me. I don't think it's fair."
    Was he going to make this into a game or something? "Well, I know you're dad's a cop. I wasn't expecting that one."
    He nodded. "Yeah, but I know a lot more about you after today." He picked at something on his pants. "I want you to know more about me."
    I stared at him, thinking about it. So, now we were getting to know each other. Becoming friends. Would this mean we were friends with benefits now?
    I took another drink of water before asking, "What happened to your mom?"
    He looked away from me. "Dad said she cheated on him, so they divorced. I was too young to understand when it happened." I saw him bite his lip. Was this painful for him? Did he want a mother? Did he hate the fact that he didn't have one?
    I didn't ask any of these questions because his dad came into the kitchen just then. "Trevor, let's go," he ordered. Trevor looked at me and smiled, then slid off the counter.
    "See you tomorrow?" he asked, holding out his hand. We shook awkwardly as his dad watched us.    
    "Sure," I said, nodding. Then I turned to his dad. "Thank you for everything, Mr. Allen."
    He nodded. "Always glad to help. If he comes back come tell me right away, okay?"
    "Okay." I said. He walked out with Trevor. I stood in the kitchen, listened to the door shut, then walked upstairs to my room without talking to my mother. I didn't want to talk with her about what had happened. My head was spinning with too much else. I couldn't concentrate on my homework when I attempted. I couldn't read my book. I couldn't stop thinking about Trevor.
    There was only one question in my head. What did it mean now, our new friendship?
    I didn't know, but one thing was for certain. I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow.

Friends with benefits wasn’t the right term. We weren’t friends, really. Secret lovers wasn’t right, because what we did never had any meaning or passion. It was always flirt, fuck, leave. We weren’t in a relationship. We barely knew any thing about each other’s life, just each other’s body.
    Yet, we always came back to each other, so it wasn’t a one night stand. It was a regular yet random thing. Whenever we wanted to do it, we found the other and did it. Not an affair, because we weren’t seeing other people. We only saw each other. The whole time, since we had started this, we weren’t seeing anyone special, except each other.
    His name was Trevor. That’s it. No last mane, no real identity. We didn’t even go to the same school! Trevor went to the public school while my mom sent me to an all girls school. Yet he lived right down the street, always there when I was lonely and needed someone there.
    Today, as I knocked on his door, I wasn’t in the mood to romp. I needed to cry and scream, let someone know how I was feeling. Trevor was the only person on my mind at the moment while I shook in the cold wind.
    As I waited for him to answer I thought about what we were, who he was. Over the past few months I had learned just enough about him to know what to do in bed. Maybe today I could find out more, to see what gears were driving him from underneath that smooth, pale skin. What made his playful blue eyes shine.
    He opened the door, saw it was me, and smiled that smile he won me over with every time. Flipping his long black bangs out of his eyes, he stepped away from the door.
    “My lady.” he said while extending his arm and bowing slightly. I smiled shyly and stepped into the warmth of his house.
    “Hey Trevor?” I asked as he closed the door. He came over and pressed me against the wall gently.
    “Yes?” he asked, then started kissing my neck. I was taken away for a moment, lost in sensation. He started to kiss lower and held my hips tightly.
    “I can’t,” I said feebly, pushing him away. He gave me a confused look, still holding me.
    “What do you mean?” he asked, placing his hands on my neck. He pet my face with his thumbs, all attention on me. I stared into his eyes and wondered if there were feeling in what he did to me.
    “I…” his eyes were too much. I looked down at our shoes. “Some thing happened, I need someone to listen.” The tears started coming up, and I tried to blink them away.
    He slowly wrapped his arms around my lower back. “Well, I’ll-“
    “Yah!” I screamed in pain, arching my back. He moved his hands and looked at me, then at his hands. The throbbing in my back stayed for a moment, dull and persistent.
    “What’s wrong?”
    I couldn’t help it. I crumpled onto him and started bawling like a baby. Each cry took all of my breath away, taking me a second to breathe in again. I was quavering all over. He placed his hands on my back, and I know he meant to offer me comfort, but it hurt like hell. I pushed him away.
    “Don’t touch me!” I yelled. His eyes held shock. I sat down on the floor and hugged my knees. The crying had stopped now. “You said you needed someone to listen.” he slowly sat down in front of me. “I’m here. Tell me what’s wrong.”
    For a moment we just sat there on the floor, his bright blue eyes staring into my teary green ones. And in that small amount of time, I knew that something had clicked between us. That anything we did after this would mean something more. He actually wanted to listen to my crying.
    I stared at the floor between us and told him the whole story.
    “About six months ago, right when we started, my dad died. My mom’s starting to date again. She’s only started to see this one guy for like, a week or so, and he’s living with us because he can’t pay his rent. He’s an okay guy, when he’s not drunk. Apparently he checked the mail today.”
    I started to cry again while talking, the tears hot running down my face. “He yelled at me as soon as I walked in the door after school, telling me he had seen my report card. He told me that I’d better not get any more F’s. I tried to tell him mom’s been taking me out of school for dentist appointments and stuff, but he said ‘Don’t back talk me bitch!’ and threw me on the stairs.” The crying was stronger this time. Trevor just sat there and stared at me. “I tried to get up the stairs, but when I tried crawling he beat my back. He just kept hitting and hitting…”
    I covered my face and cried harder.
    That was the only sound for a long while. Trevor didn’t move, and eventually my crying quieted.     
    "How long has he been doing this to you?" he asked. I looked up at him.
    "This is the only time he's done it. It was only because he was drunk, but I'm so scared to go back there..." I rubbed my arms.
    "Does your mom know about this?"
    I shook my head. "I came straight here after he left to go somewhere. Mom doesn't get off work until tonight."
    Trevor stood and offered me his hand. I took it and he pulled me up, and kept hold of my hand. He looked me in the eyes, all business. "You will stay here tonight. Once my dad comes home I'll tell him and let him know what happened."
    I nodded and wiped some tears off my face. Here was better than there for now. As long as I was safe, I didn't care.

I'm just dawdling because I'm done with everyone in animation. That's what everyone does, right? Parker's here playing gwith this online lego thing that actually looks amusing, and the bell's about to ring.

This morning the snow was still stuck to the grass in my neighborhood. That's the best part of today so far. The mountains are really a sight too.



Otherwise, my life isn't so interesting. =/



9 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS!!!

I'm sorry I deleted my story so fast, but I do need a lot of work on it, and I am currently going to do that. So when I can (I'll be pretty busy this week) I will post the revised version here.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!    =]

I got Parker's book. I have a list of books I want from Border's when I get the money.
I'm going to be babysitting today. I'll post some more later, because I have nothing to talk about right now. This is just me rambling.

My typing is SO bad right now. My fingers keep slipping and going to the wrong places.

fucking cunt pussy!

>=[

Tomorrow should be better than today was. Not that today was bad, I just feel bored, tired, and I want to get angry for some reason. To fight, verbally of course, and not give a shit.

But I'm getting paid, So I should be able to get something for my friends. I will get them something! Even if it's just cookies or something. I'll get them something. Yeah, Sugar cookies sound good right now. Mmmmm.....

But I really just want to curl up in bed with someone and sleep for a VERY long time. And escape to the dream world, no matter how weird it may get. Or listen to Eighteen Visions. I need some screaming right now. That whole Silence Of The Lambs movie is playing over and over in my head right now, making me a little unnerved. But longing for some Lestat.

Yeah, I just need escape right now. I kind of wish nobody (especially Parker) cared, so I could cut. But I won't do that. I wouldn't. I don't want to lose him for good, and my life too. That's just not what I want or need right now.


Damn it, I have homework. Fuck.

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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  the kitten on the keyboard^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I usually don't like it when things or people touch my hair, cuz it's long and I hate it whenit's messy.

BUT KITTENS ARE AN EXCEPTION.
They are so cute!

I haven't posted in a while, even though I'm required to sit in front of a computer for two hours straight everyday.

Abigail has been calling, and i promised I'd spend the night with her. Not the day. So I haven't been answering her calls. I've been here on Livejournal.

i'm still reading The Vampire Lestat. I'm a slow reader, only because I do it when I can. Which isn't very often.

I am going to upload some music now and call my boyfriend, out of pure boredom.

I completely forgot over the holiday weekend that we have a field trip this Thursday. As soon as Parker mentioned it, I felt excited, like a little girl again. Not just the fact that I haven't been to a field trip in forever, but the fact that I get to see the Art Institute, and with all of my friends. And we get free food.
Of course, we have to spend most of the day with Mr. P, which I'm sure none of us are looking foward to. But with all we're doing on Thursday, I'm sure it'll be pretty easy to ignore him.

Yep. Thursday is looking to be a good day. Freedom.

Now to go study two chapters of Chemistry. Anybody know about Covalent  bonding? I'd like a tutor please.

Ha. I guess if I want someone to add me, then a post on religion wars shouldn't be the first impression. i'm weird like that.

First thing you MUST know about me. I am a Nine Inch Nails fan. big time.

I'm sixteen, still figuring out how to go about getting through life. Living in the city of gambling, you get you rmorality screwed. majorly.

You could call me a metal head. I do like the occasional soft music, like Now It's Overhead, or something like The Secret Machines. Bands you've never heard of, probably.   But Obviously, music is life to me.

I'm a bookworm. I seek out the perfect worls in words, and try to create some life in my own words. I love to write, and mostly it's poetry. Haven't written in a while because I've been attempting to write novels, but I never see it through. I keep trying though.

I've read the Twilight series, and I'm not really that big of a fan of it. As I've hinted at, I'm not mainstream. I'm reading The Vampire Leastat right now, and I can't put it down. I'll probably go back to reading it after this post.

But majorly, I just want somebody who understands me. COMPLETELY.

That's about it.